Thirteen years have passed since I gave birth to my firstborn child. Isaac Jacob Gaskin was born on Wednesday, January 27th, 1999. I am now a parent of a teenager. AGH!
It truly amazes me how fast time passes. It seems like just yesterday that I held that sweet baby boy, cleaned up the Vaseline mess he smeared all over the walls and in his HAIR, beamed with pride as he read chapter books at the age of four, cheered him on in Little League, and got on him about being nice to his sisters. Okay, that last one was yesterday. But it is scary thing to stop and realize that somehow time slipped by without my noticing his transformation. It seems like it happened overnight really. I went to bed one night, tucking him in with a kiss to waking up with a kid as tall as me rubbing sleep out of his eyes the next morning. He has the beginnings of a mustache and leg hair. He wears deodorant. His shoe size is a 10.5...in Men's! He is outgrowing clothes by leaps and bounds! And is leaping and bounding to breakfast, lunch, and dinner....and morning snack, mid-morning snack, afternoon snack, late evening snack, and when-mom-isn't-looking snack! I look at my 7 week old baby boy, Taite, and then I look at Isaac and am absolutely stunned at the transformation.
Of course the scariest realization is that next school year, Isaac will be a freshman in high school. High school. Yeah, I said high school. HIGH SCHOOL! AGH! That means dating, driving, and college tours! I did take Isaac out to the car and sat him in the driver's seat. I had him put his foot on the brake. I explained the different gears. I had him shift it into drive. Then I had him slowly take his foot off the brake. The car slowly rolled forward. Hit the brake! He did and nearly bounced out of the seat. I smiled, laughed, and nearly had a heart attack at the same time. He put it back in park, thankfully. His first driving lesson.
And only four short years until I will be really saying goodbye. College years. My heart breaks just thinking about them. After all, this is my right hand man we're talking about here. My first born child. "Don't start crying, mom!" Isaac tells me every time I say that. And then, of course, that makes me want to cry even more. Isaac may be going through that typical fog called adolescence but he is my "little man." My helper. My confidante. When things are going crazy I can look at him, make a sarcastic remark, and hear his laugh (instead of the blank stares or attitude I get from the girls.) He has helped me take care of his sisters and dotes on his baby brother. He is passionate about reading just like I am. It still amazes him that I can pick a book for him and know that he will like it, even though he always looks skeptical. And then, of course, he loves it and can't wait to get to the library to check out the sequel or another by the same author.
The time has come to teach him all those things that I haven't gotten to...like all the popular songs when I was a teen, how to tie a tie, how to love an original and not a re-make, how to appreciate old black and white movies that have (gasp!) no special effects, and how to be a gentleman. The time has come to prepare for letting him handle responsibility on his own and....the consequences when he doesn't. The time has come to prepare myself. For hard talks. For difficult emotions. For silence. For goodbyes. For a new phase of life.
AGH!
(And yes, I did cry while writing this.)
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
One Year Later...
One year ago today we closed on our house in Ohio. We have officially lived here one year. Wow. This year has gone by fast. It really only feels like 4 or 5 months have gone by. But...it has been a year! Many things have happened in this past 12 months. The church we moved up here to help has grown and I have witnessed baptisms and new creations. I have entered into a new family that has been there at the drop of a hat to help us and support us. I have gained many friends in our outstanding homeschool group who have been so encouraging and helpful. And we welcomed a new member into our family! Yeah!
Back around Christmas was when I first realized that we had almost been here a year. I was overwhelmed by the unsettling feeling of having wasted a year. Thanks to encroaching PPD (post-partum depression) I was feeling a bit lost and rather bitter about this year in Ohio. When those negative feelings settle in....watch out! Giving in to my PPD, I let my mind linger in dangerous territory (an upcoming post will be on this PPD battle) and began building up a list of things I had lost this year.
The list went something like this:
1) My land: Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to live in the beautiful countryside and have land to roam and use. We worked hard to get that place and find our little slice of paradise. Brian had his hunting and I had my beautiful solitude. Tierney had room for horses and we could be self-sustaining. We lost all that.
2) My family: Having parents near never seemed so very crucial until I found myself pregnant and being without my mother during a time that was so near to both of our hearts. Very difficult. Also, having my parents struggle with health issues and not being able to go and give them the same love and support. Frustrating.
3) Friends: The majority of our friends live in Kentucky. Friends from our youth, friends from adulthood. Enough said.
4) Establishment: When we moved from Louisville out to the country, we had to re-establish ourselves in the community. Being in a small town atmosphere where everyone knows everyone it took nearly ten years, but we had made it. Moving to Ohio....we had to re-establish ourselves all over again.
5) Our vacation: Because of the move we didn't have the money to take a vacation. This year we won't have the money because we are going to Haiti instead. I so miss Folly Beach!
6) Our Retirement: We cashed out Brian's IRA to help with our move. We currently have $0 money saved for retirement. A very daunting feeling!
7)The lake: Since I was 6 months old, I have gone camping at Barren River Lake. We used to spend weeks there in the summer and it is a family tradition that we wanted to continue with our own children. We own a trailer and a boat. But with being so very far from there, we moved our boat to Lake Cumberland and are thinking about selling the trailer. This past summer was the first summer I did not go to Barren. And we only took out the boat twice. Gone is that tradition.
8) Writing: I cannot say exactly why I have not been writing but in the past year, I have neglected my writing. Really. I know this is the most shocking to those who know me well since I am known for using napkins, receipts, even kids coloring pages to write on when those creative juices get flowing. I have always been a writer...well, at least since 4th grade when I made my first book entitled, "Michelle's Life," that was written on wide-ruled paper and bound by yarn. (I still have this, btw.) But, it was like a switch was flipped. I could not muster up the will to write. Believe me, I tried. I sat there with pen in hand waiting. I bought one of those stupid books with writing prompts and activities. I prayed, because I felt like I was wasting God's gift to me. I dug out projects that I had left abandoned but no inspiration came. When I forced the writing, it was lame and I tossed it. Ultimate loss and frustration.
9) Brian's career: Brian switched his major from education to Computer IT (sorry, I can't recall the technical position). He had tried to make his dream of being a full-time football coach mesh with this new change of locale but the local universities did not offer exactly what he would need to do so without him having to take a step back. So, he gave up that dream and decided that coaching part-time would have to be good enough. I think this broke my heart the most, though I never told him so. (Sorry, Brian.)
Having said all that, it is obvious I had built up a pretty strong list for being bitter. Look at all I had lost. I allowed that rage to boil up inside of me which oozed out on others around me. I was drowning in self-loathing. I broke down in prayer when I could take no more. An amazing thing happened then: God revealed something very crucial that I had forgotten. He reminded me that I had given my life to Him. All of it. Not just the parts that were convenient or I liked least or the ones that fit neatly into my schedule. And while this is required of a true follower of Christ, I was reminded by Him that this is what I prayed for. I remembered, then, praying to be a Living Sacrifice. I told Him that I would give up all for Him. Suddenly that list did not seem like much at all. I wanted to be rid of the familiar. I wanted to be rid of my comforts. Because by doing so, I would be closer to Him. I could bring Him glory. I could serve my purpose!
Since then, I have started a new list. A list of things that I can lose during this next year.
It goes something like this: 1) bitterness, 2) pride, 3) anger, 4) selfishness, 5) material possessions, etc....
Back around Christmas was when I first realized that we had almost been here a year. I was overwhelmed by the unsettling feeling of having wasted a year. Thanks to encroaching PPD (post-partum depression) I was feeling a bit lost and rather bitter about this year in Ohio. When those negative feelings settle in....watch out! Giving in to my PPD, I let my mind linger in dangerous territory (an upcoming post will be on this PPD battle) and began building up a list of things I had lost this year.
The list went something like this:
1) My land: Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to live in the beautiful countryside and have land to roam and use. We worked hard to get that place and find our little slice of paradise. Brian had his hunting and I had my beautiful solitude. Tierney had room for horses and we could be self-sustaining. We lost all that.
2) My family: Having parents near never seemed so very crucial until I found myself pregnant and being without my mother during a time that was so near to both of our hearts. Very difficult. Also, having my parents struggle with health issues and not being able to go and give them the same love and support. Frustrating.
3) Friends: The majority of our friends live in Kentucky. Friends from our youth, friends from adulthood. Enough said.
4) Establishment: When we moved from Louisville out to the country, we had to re-establish ourselves in the community. Being in a small town atmosphere where everyone knows everyone it took nearly ten years, but we had made it. Moving to Ohio....we had to re-establish ourselves all over again.
5) Our vacation: Because of the move we didn't have the money to take a vacation. This year we won't have the money because we are going to Haiti instead. I so miss Folly Beach!
6) Our Retirement: We cashed out Brian's IRA to help with our move. We currently have $0 money saved for retirement. A very daunting feeling!
7)The lake: Since I was 6 months old, I have gone camping at Barren River Lake. We used to spend weeks there in the summer and it is a family tradition that we wanted to continue with our own children. We own a trailer and a boat. But with being so very far from there, we moved our boat to Lake Cumberland and are thinking about selling the trailer. This past summer was the first summer I did not go to Barren. And we only took out the boat twice. Gone is that tradition.
8) Writing: I cannot say exactly why I have not been writing but in the past year, I have neglected my writing. Really. I know this is the most shocking to those who know me well since I am known for using napkins, receipts, even kids coloring pages to write on when those creative juices get flowing. I have always been a writer...well, at least since 4th grade when I made my first book entitled, "Michelle's Life," that was written on wide-ruled paper and bound by yarn. (I still have this, btw.) But, it was like a switch was flipped. I could not muster up the will to write. Believe me, I tried. I sat there with pen in hand waiting. I bought one of those stupid books with writing prompts and activities. I prayed, because I felt like I was wasting God's gift to me. I dug out projects that I had left abandoned but no inspiration came. When I forced the writing, it was lame and I tossed it. Ultimate loss and frustration.
9) Brian's career: Brian switched his major from education to Computer IT (sorry, I can't recall the technical position). He had tried to make his dream of being a full-time football coach mesh with this new change of locale but the local universities did not offer exactly what he would need to do so without him having to take a step back. So, he gave up that dream and decided that coaching part-time would have to be good enough. I think this broke my heart the most, though I never told him so. (Sorry, Brian.)
Having said all that, it is obvious I had built up a pretty strong list for being bitter. Look at all I had lost. I allowed that rage to boil up inside of me which oozed out on others around me. I was drowning in self-loathing. I broke down in prayer when I could take no more. An amazing thing happened then: God revealed something very crucial that I had forgotten. He reminded me that I had given my life to Him. All of it. Not just the parts that were convenient or I liked least or the ones that fit neatly into my schedule. And while this is required of a true follower of Christ, I was reminded by Him that this is what I prayed for. I remembered, then, praying to be a Living Sacrifice. I told Him that I would give up all for Him. Suddenly that list did not seem like much at all. I wanted to be rid of the familiar. I wanted to be rid of my comforts. Because by doing so, I would be closer to Him. I could bring Him glory. I could serve my purpose!
Since then, I have started a new list. A list of things that I can lose during this next year.
It goes something like this: 1) bitterness, 2) pride, 3) anger, 4) selfishness, 5) material possessions, etc....
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