Just recently I was at a gathering with friends and some people from out of town. As I was fixing my plate of food, my daughter Lena approached wanting something to drink. I handed her a cup of lemonade and she sweetly replied with, "Thank you, mommy!" One of the young ladies from the visiting group was standing nearby and immediately asked, "You don't make her say 'ma'am'?" I laughed lightly, "No, we tried for a bit but it didn't stick." She frowned and insisted, "You should do so until it does stick."
There were several things going through my mind at the moment but having met a young lady at age 17 or 18 who had such a "black or white" picture of the world already (a sad thing, really) and having that young lady who does not have children give advice on child rearing to a woman that is pregnant with her fifth child...well, I thought it best to keep my mouth shut. Besides, it wasn't my place to lecture but to be welcoming and open.
But now I wish I had said something. At the very least it was an opportunity for this girl to get a perspective different from her own. I know that culturally (as in her case) and sometimes generationally (I know my older siblings had to) that calling your parents by the titles of "sir" or "ma'am" is the appropriate thing to do. But to me, "ma'am" and "sir" are titles I use with people I don't know very well. I don't want to be a stranger to my children. I don't want to be lumped into the same group as the cashier at the grocery or the random lady at the park. I want my children to call me "mom," "mommy," or "mother." Believe me, the title of "mommy" has been hard earned.
I understand the need to be respectful to elders and my children address the neighbor as Mrs. Rachel. I have the rule for the neighborhood kids and the girls in my Girl Scout troop call me Mrs. Tiffany. But I don't want the children of my closest friends calling me that. It is an intimacy level issue. I want to be close enough to my good friends' children that they call me Tiffany or even Tiff. Of course there have been those awkward moments when someone I barely know calls me Tiff. I bristle a little at that since it is a nickname that I prefer only those who know me to use. I try to be gracious at times like that, however, since the strangers who call me Tiff have usually been introduced to me by some of my closest friends and family who have without thinking introduced me by my nickname. I am sure those strangers do not intend to offend but rather think that I prefer to be called by a shortened version of my name. So, I let it slide.
I wanted to tell that young lady, though, that being a parent (especially to small children) is about picking your battles. And having my four year old address me as "ma'am" was not a battle worth engaging. Breaking it down, the girl missed two very crucial points when my daughter said, "Thank you, mommy." 1) She used her manners which unfortunately that is not often the case with most four year olds. Though I must say that my children are very good at expressing their thanks to me and oftentimes after dinner I hear a chorus of "Thank you, mom" coming from my little ones.
2) The young lady missed the crucial point or rather sound of the sweetness in my daughter's voice when she said "mommy." That long "e" sound on the end was not just the drawn out sound of her Kentucky accent but a direct link to my child's love and affection. As many of you mothers out there know (and fathers, too), when your child addresses you in a certain tone it can be a window to their soul. What the young lady failed to grasp, and probably will not grasp until she has babies of her own, is that what I heard in my child's voice and what she heard were two very different things. When Lena said "mommy" in that sweet tone, it was her way of saying, "I love you, mom. Thanks for taking care of me." In one simple sound, she had conveyed to me her love, affection, and appreciation as adeptly as if she had given me a hug and a kiss.
So, sorry young-lady-who-thinks-she-knows-how-to-raise-my-kids-better-than-I, but I will take millons of "Thank you, mommy," over "Thank you, ma'am, " any day!
*** No Southerners were hurt, damaged, or otherwise harmed during the event that inspired the making of this blog post.
