I have 3 weeks to go until I am due to give birth to my fifth child. At this point, most pregnant women are begging their doctors to induce. Or they take the induction in their own hands by drinking castor oil, going on long walks or bumpy drives, or by using the method that got them into the situation in the first place. ;-D
I, however, am not ready for this pregnancy to be over. Surprised?
I am a bit overwhelmed that this pregnancy has gone by so fast! I haven't had the chance to really sit down and think about this new child or the way this little one will fit into our family. There is a moment that every pregnant woman has where they can sit and sigh and imagine themselves cuddling their new arrival. It may happen when shopping for the layette or while putting the tiny onesies and newborn diapers away in the nursery. It may happen when they see that ultrasound photo for the first time or feel the baby move. And while I have done all of the above activities, I have not had this emotional moment.
Why not, you ask? The answer is very simple. I have four other kids. That I homeschool. And a Girl Scout troop (that I get NO help with.) And co-op, church, mission trip planning, outreach planning, cleaning, laundry, cooking, couponing, budgeting, yard work, etc. etc. etc. (input a mental image of Yul Brynner.) Not that I don't enjoy many of these activities but I do not get a break. Most nights I fall into bed exhausted and am already thinking about what is in store for the next day. I feel guilty for not calling my family and friends back in Kentucky often enough. But it really is hard to carry on a real conversation while I have kids running underfoot, the washing machine running in the background and I am struggling to see the stairs as I carry up a laundry basket and balance the phone between my ear and shoulder. Even if I lock myself in the bathroom for a moment of sanity or a business call, there will inevitably be a child crying at the top of their lungs outside the door, one yelling up the laundry chute, and another being suspiciously quiet down in the kitchen (sneaking a cookie...or dumping the brand new box of cereal all over the floor I just cleaned.) That is just normal life in our household. It is never dull or boring. And this is the atmosphere I thrive in. At the end of the day I have accomplished what most people take weeks or months to do. I usually have a clean house and happy children and a project or assignment of some sort completed.
I am productive (and reproductive.) But, the one thing that I often put at the bottom of my to-do list is: ME!
If I make the list at all. I know this is a chronic illness with many mothers. I know I am not a lone soldier in the army of child rearing. And with my past pregnancies, I had that moment to savor the new little one. I had time to think about personality and whether this child would look like me or Brian. I had a moment to tenderly hang baby clothes and to marvel about the creation I held inside my womb. But this time, I have hurriedly painted the nursery, washed the clothes without a thought to the wearer, and went down the get-ready-for-baby checklist methodically. Preparing for baby was just one more thing to fit in the day and check off the list. There were no naps to dream about little hands and feet. Baths were another opportunity to get my reading done and not a relaxing time to daydream about how sweet it would be to embrace a new child. Sad, I know. My practicality can be a disadvantage, for sure.
I cleaned and reorganized my bedroom closet this week (trying to make room for the Christmas presents I have to stash...and, yes, my shopping is done.) When I couldn't reach the top shelf because my belly was in the way I became rather frustrated and wished that I could just detach the bump for the time being and clean! Crazy, I know. I keep trudging along, trying to get things done and prepare. I laugh at the pregnancy books and apps that talk about resting and relaxing in preparation for labor day. I marvel at moms who talk about the naps they took while pregnant (and some have as many kids as I do...think homeschool co-op.) So, while I have been busy with all of these things, I have missed out on one of the most amazing things! I have missed out on the development and growth of my own baby. Pretty impressive since it is inside my own body, huh?
That is why I am not ready for this baby boy to arrive. I haven't had my emotional moment to prepare my heart. I haven't taken a deep breath of the irresistible smell of baby. I haven't given serious thought to what this new little man will have in my life. Yes, there will be more things to add to my to-do list, but I have not given any thought to the incredible joy he will bring. And that, my friends, is why I do not want these last 3 weeks to go by. I want to hit the pause button to absorb this moment of maternity (& most likely my last one.) Instead of three seconds, I want these last weeks to feel like 3 years! I want to note each movement inside my womb. I want to stare at the baby crib and sigh in anticipation of the little one that will soon fill it. And I want to fill out the baby book with a note just for this new member of the Gaskin family.
Labor day will come sooner than I would like, I know. I will get my day of rest then. And I fully plan on focusing intently on that tiny bundle that it brings. A day for just the two of us. Ah! The anticipation!
